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Favorite Song


May change often.
This past month
Tuesday. 6.25.13 12:06 pm
My brothers, who are a constant source of my disappointment (as shown frequently in my previous entries on this blog,) have robbed me of something important. On May 24th, I had one of the best days in the past 7 years. I felt that I had finally gotten out of my depression that had been affecting me since I got back from Japan in August of 2006. That day I had wanted to exercise, wanted to study, wanted to go to work, wanted to spend time with my little sister (who is more my daughter than my sister, I'm her father figure basically.) More than that, I had done all of these things that day. I was on top of the world. My younger brother was not. He stabbed me that night in the side with an 8 inch kitchen knife. I'm fine medically, the blade did not pierce very deep, as one of my now cracked ribs stopped it. Mentally, I am devastated. I went from the top of the world back to the bottom of the ocean. I haven't done anything since that day. I tried to go to work the day after it happened, and had a panic attack when it finally struck me that I almost died the night before. A full 12 hours after the stabbing I finally came down from the adrenaline and realized that I might not have even gone to work that day. Needless to say, I broke down and cried like a baby in front of my entire team at work and the upper management. They asked me to go home after I told them the reason why I broke down. I took a few days off and came back with a good enough mask that everyone at work believes everything is okay. Now, all I can do is sit and try to keep my mind from playing over the events of that night and wonder why in the fuck I had any sympathy for my brother ever.

The police called about a week ago, and asked if I would like to press charges against him. I had told myself that I could not press charges against my brother, because I believed that there was something to salvage there in the relationship, or that I couldn't press charges against a family member. Those boys are not my brothers, no brothers of mine could take advantage of me and my family the way that these two are. I'm making plans to move out, but I need to make sure that my mother and younger sister are cared for if they will not move with me. I will not leave my mother and sister with those two boys alone, and I will not see my family hurt by those two any more.

I'm not sure why I wrote this entry, but I guess I just needed to tell someone about this, even if I'm not very active around here otherwise. If all goes well, I'll be living in a different house within the next few months and not have to worry about those two any more.

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That season ending O_o
Sunday. 5.19.13 12:36 pm
The season ending of Doctor Who was amazing. I cannot wait until November 23rd. WOW it was good. Steven Moffat changed everything with that ending!

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When is this going to end?
Friday. 5.17.13 9:34 pm
Man, this sucks. I just got paid for my first week of work. Enough to pay half my rent and get my car filled up, and have a bit left over for lunch at work, and various expenses. Now my car broke. The front wheels are shaking like they're about to fall off. Taking it to a mechanic is going to cost 700-800 dollars. Why is this happening now. Why couldn't it have happened after I set up my emergency fund? I've got two weeks left that I can rely on a guy at work for a ride, but after that we'll have different schedules and I won't have anyone to pay for rides. I hate this. Why does every week have something bad happen?

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Just can't catch a break...
Wednesday. 5.15.13 9:50 am
Well, actually I can. Just not a good one. A water line broke under my house, and I caught it. When my front yard was flooded. So this morning, my water was shut off. I couldn't go on a walk, I couldn't brush my teeth, I couldn't take a shower, I couldn't wash fresh clothes. I was pretty angry. Heading out to work in 25 minutes, hopefully will be fixed before I get back.

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Practicing Daily
Thursday. 5.9.13 8:34 am
Well, the last time I updated was two days ago. Those were two pretty crazy days. The first day, I had lost all motivation to do anything, and just came home and went to sleep. Hopefully that won't happen again. "I'VE STILL GOT STUFF TO DO, BUT I DON'T CARE" is pretty much what went through my head. I've got a list of 13 things to do every single day that I normally get done between waking up and going back to sleep.

1. Wake up Early
2. Brush Teeth
3. Exercise
4. Shower
5. Read Whatever is on my bible reading plan
6. Read Devotional
7. Pray
8. Consume some kind of Japanese Media for listening/reading practice
9. Read a chapter of my Japanese Textbook
10. Study any flashcards that I have due for Japanese
11. Learn something about programming
12. Learn something on Khan Academy
13. Log all food eaten that day on MyFitnessPal

A pretty jam packed list if you also consider that I have to work and travel 9.5 hours per day and sleep an additional 6-7 hours per day, but if I don't track each of these items on The Daily Practice then I'm prone to forget all about it.

The problem with not logging my activity in any day, is that I break my chain if I don't log. I had chains that where two weeks long at least on each of these until the day before yesterday. When I stopped doing anything, including logging my activities, on Tuesday the 7th, it made me have a break in my chains. Now, at least for the next week, I'll have to see the break in my routine that happened on Tuesday. It kind of hurts my motivation, but I think the point of this kind of thing is that it forces you to rebuild. If you care enough about the things your tracking to actually write them down and force yourself to track them every day, then you care enough to rebuild your broken chains after you mess up.

As for yesterday, I was feeling all demotivated because I broke my promises to myself about always getting this stuff done. I realized at that point that I can allow myself to make mistakes. It's the only way to learn. I think that not having the motivation to do one thing on my list shouldn't force me anymore to not work on all the other items. I lost the motivation to exercise for one day, and let that drag me into doing nothing but playing "Path of Exile" all night on my computer.

I'm going to have a lot of trouble with that game I think. It's very engaging, about as engaging as WoW was when I first started. It's a kind of clone of Diablo 2, which is another game I really liked. I found myself not concentrating during training class yesterday because I wanted to play my game. I am very sure that I'm going to to uninstall the game so that I don't have that temptation anymore. I've got more than enough stuff to do every day, and I cannot allow a game to steal any of my precious 9 to 11 hours of the day in which I am at home and not doing anything else.

This was a fun entry to write, but it's also taking up some time. I might have to add a "Blog on Nutang at least 4 times per week" goal on TDP. This really helped me to focus and motivate myself. I'm glad to see that a lot of people on Nutang are coming back. I wonder what brought all of us back at the same time like this?

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So tired...
Tuesday. 5.7.13 8:46 am
First day of work was yesterday. Apparently, only the first day of work is in the building I'll be working at in 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks, I'll actually be training in a building that is all the way across town. Unfortunately, I can't walk there. Thankfully though, a guy from class has offered to come pick me up. That worked out pretty well. He'll be here soon, so I can't write a long entry. My walk yesterday left me with some pretty nasty blisters, but it was fun seeing if that walk was something I could do. Whelp, that's about it for now. I am so glad that I have a job now. It takes so much stress out of my life. Not only am I able to be away from everyone in the house for about a third of the day, I'm earning money for it too!

Oh speaking of earning money, I got started on Amazon's Mechanical Turk program. It's alright, but it's slow income. I can see myself devoting maybe an hour to it per day. I earned 1.34 for about 30 minutes of work yesterday. If I'm not to busy, it's something to do in my spare time. Boring as hell though, but something to do if I know just need some spending money. I'm sure if I worked a bit harder and used my resources to find more profitable HITs, I could easily bump up my earnings. I'll have to investigate.

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First Day!
Monday. 5.6.13 6:35 am
First day of my brand new job! I start at 8:00 AM C.S.T. I'm glad to finally have a job, since I haven't had any work in 5 months, and haven't had any full time work in almost 18 months. This has been insane! I ate my last pack of ramen noodles yesterday, and was promptly terrified. Then I realized that I know how to make bread, and I have flour and yeast and a bread maker. Then I realized I didn't have any salt, so my bread will collapse while baking. I'll figure out something though. I learned how to make hard tack, which is just water and flour, and heat. It tastes alright, but it's obviously not bread. Still good when you're hungry though! Okay. I'm about to head out now. I've got a 5 mile walk ahead of me before I get to work. Oh yeah, my car is broken down too. Fun times :D

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Rather boring day.
Sunday. 5.5.13 6:13 pm
Seriously. I woke up at around 8:30 and took a walk first thing. I studied Japanese for a while. I did my devotionals and bible reading, then I cleaned house and I played Neverwinter. That was really about it. Whelp. At this point, I think it's safe to say that Sunday was my first break day since I got my motivation back. I'm a tad bit worried about what I'll do when I have a job tying me down 8 hours a day, but that starts tomorrow, and I'll deal with it as it comes up. Plenty of people have full time jobs and get stuff done. I can too :D Until then, I'm off to try out Path of Exile, and see if it's any good.

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